i dont eat to punish myself an others around me. i dont know if im losing hair because im forgetting to brush it or if im malnourished i dont know hw klong it takes for organs to shut dowwn from malnuroshment
i think maybe im too paranoid. i dont know. its currently 5:12am and instead of trying to sleep im awake writing. i dont even know what to write if im honest. annd im getting tired so i think i will go to sleep now.

its the next day. i went out today for the first time in months i dont have alot to say. im getting hungry but i dont have anything to eat sso i guess ill suffer. ive just watched ready to glares video about sickgirl. its disgusting putting someones venting out there on such a big platform. i dont agree with sickgirl but she doesnt need people hating her for being mentally ill. she was simply putting her feelings out there. instead of putting her on blast she shouldve stayed silent and just reported her to the cyber police. i didnt know sickgirl but i do hope that she is okay through all this.

its 6th of june. i just got broken up with however it was for the better im telling myself. not everyone can handle a relationship at all moments. worded that strangely but im alll over the place i feel guilty for being sad because he isnt meaning to hurt me he cant help it i understand but i do feel heartbroken.
you don't know how much i want to be with you again but i think it would destroy you
i'm so scared i'll destroy you
and i don't want to destroy you
what if it destroys you like it used to
this would destroy you
wouldn't it?

i am coping well... as much as i can. i spent most of the day sleeping and i woke up at 6pm.. its getting badagain im not sure what to do other than ignore my problems.. having to be alone is hard. and i isolate myself from people i care about because i dont want to bother them. this break up is hard because i care so deeply for him. but im not as sad as i could be because we can still continue being friends and idk... it doesnt feel awkward to me at least. i keep randomly updating the html document i have before i actually upload it to neocities so i apologise if the timeline of my wrtings are confusing. not that it really matters this website is purely for myself i dont imagine people are reading. i plan on leaving the house today to go on a walk but the longer i stay awake the less i want to do it. i think instead i will just sleep. as i always do. im getting very thin my mum keeeps reminding me like im unaware. shes worried i get it but cmon buy some food so i can eat maybe? like idk i feel stupid complaining bbut its just hard for me to leave the house to buy food so ... idk ... im just a failure at being hhuman.
i kkeep trying to pretend to be okay about my breakup but i am hurting badly.. im trying to not show it so i dont hurt him by being hurt but also maybe he'd also get hurt if he thought i was unfased... tricky situation.... i wanna vent on my priv but i dont want him to see it and feel bad. because im not upset at him its not his fault.. its tricky tbh.. i just want him to get better if im honest. i just hope when hes feeling ready he will still be into me idk... im insecure nd i cant even think without questioning it......... something i dont wanna think about keeps entering my thoughts and ijsut cant sttop thinking about it like idk what i'd do i can barely even say it.. like i know this is wrong but in my head he is still mine... i cant let go of him. thinking about him with someone else really hurts... he is the only person who has showed me they care about me. it sucks because my anxiety wont even let me msg him i dont wanna annoy him.. i know i probably wont but its not a risk i feel like i can take rn.. and he probably wants to just be alone im not sure. it might sound stupid but... i really do love him. like im in love with him ive never felt this way about someone else and honestly i just want him to be okay i could handle the pain if he found someone else i just want him in my life forever i cant be without him...

everything is my fault